5 Ways To Avoid The Quicksand Of Fixing People By Jane Perdue
Please welcome our next guest writer, Jane Perdue, as we continue our #bealeader series, Real Issues, Real Leaders.
5 Ways To Avoid The Quicksand Of Fixing People By Jane Perdue
“So, do you think I can fix him?” asked my client. Her tone was hopeful, eager.
Her face fell as I answered, “No, you can’t fix him. You can help, guide and point the way for him but only he can fix himself.”
Many leaders fall into the quicksand of believing they can fix others. For some, their motivation is a sincere desire to help others be their best. But at the other end of the continuum are those leaders whose “I can fix them” mentality is an ego-centric need to be the hero who saves the day. The ideal position is closer to the middle of this range – a place where leaders embrace their responsibility to develop people yet balance that with tough empathy and a focus on getting the job done.
We fix cars or processes or machines. Leaders don’t fix people; people fix themselves (only if they want to be “fixed”). So, in your quest to be a character-based leader who develops those on her team, how do you get to the sweet spot between caring too much and seeing yourself as the white knight?
5 ways to avoid “I’ll fix you” quicksand
Pave or clear the way. Leaders provide resources and/or remove barriers. Assure that you’ve given well-defined instructions and spelled out observable and/or measureable objectives and/or behaviors to be achieved. Provide lots of coaching, feedback, guidance and direction. Make certain there’s no lack of tools or equipment that stand between the individual and success. If you’ve done all this and there’s still no change in performance, you’ve done all that you can do.
Know your limits. If you’ve paved and cleared the way yet nothing has changed, it’s not you who has failed.
Be mindful of your need for control. Do you want to fix people who aren’t doing things “your way?” Your way may not be the only one. Step back, provide autonomy and define the outcomes you want. Usually there are many paths to the end goal, let people find their own way as long as they produce the results you seek. What’s right for them may be different than what’s right for you but that doesn’t make their way wrong.
Peek behind the mask. Sometimes the interest in fixing others stems from trying to hide one’s own feelings of incompetence. Understand if your motives in seeking to help others are to deflect your inner questions about your own qualifications.
Explore your motives. Are you in it for “me” or for “you?” Helping people grow their abilities is an ongoing process, not a singular event, that’s focused on them. You want what’s best for them rather than angling to get yourself in the spotlight.
Cultivating the skills of those on your team is part of your leadership duties – make sure you’re like Goldilocks and are getting the equation just right.
About Jane Perdue…
Jane Perdue is the founder of Braithwaite Innovation Group and works as a leadership and women’s issues consultant, speaker and writer. Jane is @thehrgoddess on Twitter and can also be found blogging at LeadBIG.
Wonderful message Jane. I worked in direct sales for many years and time and again I’d see new leaders killing themselves trying to help team members grow – they’d do and do and do for them, and then just be crushed when the person didn’t take the ball and run, or worse yet just up and quit. One of the greatest challenges was to help them understand that our job was to guide and inspire (not do for) them, and sometimes you just gotta let go and move on.
Marquita – thanks much for your kind words and for sharing a great example of how some leaders can’t quite get the balance right. The desire to develop others can be a leader’s greatest strength…or their greatness weakness. Thanks for enriching the discussion!
A wonderful post that suggests once again, the only person you can change is you. I recently tweeted “Leadership is not getting people to think like you. Leadership is teaching others to think for themselves.” Of course, in business, people who “fit” our business will be innately inclined to share our vision.
I have learned to appreciate Toyota’s approach to nurturing a culture of continuous improvement and, even more so, leadership development. To be certain, selecting the right candidates is a very rigorous process that, here in North America, is somewhat removed from our normal hiring practices.
Not everyone is a fit for the business we are pursuing. We recognize that and help those who aren’t a fit to see that for themselves as well. We can offer the tools and the opportunities but the person is responsible for taking the necessary steps.
I have always made it my goal to be replaceable and dispensable. If not, I would’ve been stuck in the same job for far too long.
Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed it.
Love your points, Redge. Teaching others to think for themselves, that’s what leadership is all about. Love your passion!
Great points, Marquita. A leader’s job isn’t do it for others, it’s to guide others to do it for themselves. Such a tough lesson for so many to understand and it does frustrate many when they try to control people. It’s about inspiration as a leader. Thank you for your comment, so on point. Cheers.
Yes the correct equation is one that slips past even leaders for themselves, which is why I think they miss it for themselves. I learned an interesting lesson from a wise many years ago that a lot of people resist. When you are trying to fix someone – ask yourself where in myself do I have a piece of this behavior, then go fix that first.
Many times amazingly that disappears from your world. Now, I said it was not easy. Do let me go walk my talk – see you on the road of evolution.
Important points, Jane. It is essential to understand what we are really trying to do when trying to change someone. The reality is that we cannot. We can coach. We can encourage. We can guide. We cannot change someone. They need to. This is a challenge for us in leading and living.
The best thing we can do is to lead by example and by holding ourselves and others accountable. It is vital to follow through on both of these elements.
Thanks, Jen and Jane, for leading this conversation!
Jon
Thank you for your wisdom Jane. I have certainly fallen into some of these traps during my career. Usually because I really wanted to believe I could coach or persuade the person to change for the better or help them overcome issues that were hurting the team. More often than not it ultimately didn’t work. I’ve learned some of the lessons you have shared through trial and error and now ask better questions when I do try to “help” and to be aware of how much time I am willing to invest (and deal with the consequences). Love the phrase “tough empathy”.
Thanks, Jon. We can guide, we can coach. I have faced this issue with my own clients and those I have led and it is a difficult line to walk. I agree with your point – to hold ourselves and others accountable. It is important that both parties are equally charged to be honest their responsibilities.
Redge — thanks much for your kind words about the post! Your points about getting people to think for themselves and about fit are crucial leadership elements to get right. My grandfather used to that if you have two people who think like on the same team, you don’t need one of them. Investing the time during the recruiting process to assure the right skill and cultural fit is something more businesses need to do yet fail to see the ROI for during so. Appreciate how you’ve enriched the discussion here!
Michele – Carl Jung’s quote “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves” must be right up your alley! It’s true…provided folks are self-aware enough to be able to tune into the message. Keep walking your talk on the road of evolution! Thanks for sharing!
Jon – your words of wisdom should be a manifesto that hangs on the walls and sits on the desktop of every leader! Your points about being a role model and holding people accountable are spot-on. Thanks much for bringing such good insights into the dialogue!
Ah, Scott – it’s so heart-warming and affirming to read/know that we’ve walked the same path of hubris early in our careers…thinking we change people. For me, it wasn’t until a boss told me that developing people was my greatest strength AND my greatest weakness that I learned to practice tough empathy. The credit and kudos for that phrase belongs to Robert Goffee. Thanks much for your kind words and for furthering the terrific discussion!
Thank you, Jane, for a great post on a topic that has touched so many. We can only help those who are willing to help themselves. Outstanding points and conversation.
Jen – BIG thanks to you for the opportunity to share with your #bealeader community! Moving mountains and making a positive leadership difference = BIG success!
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