Make Others Better…
As leaders, our purpose should be to strive to make others better. We walk our talk and lead by the example we put forth in our actions, thoughts and words in everything we do.
This motto came to mind as I was confronted by a past memory this weekend. I was going through old files and cleaning out the office as I do each quarter and came across one of 
the worst contracts I have signed in my career of 20 plus years. We all have those mistakes, failures in our past. We have transgressions we wish to forget. As I look at the document, the motto, “Make Others Better” came to mind. I pondered, how did this experience make me better? We always associate leaders as positive example, this person exemplified the term “make others better” but in the opposite meaning it seemed. As I looked back on the partnership, I contemplated the lessons that were taught through this experience. For many months since this ended, I couldn’t figure out how this made me better? What was the lesson I was suppose to take away from this? It wasn’t until I had this moment, that it finally registered….
Here is how I was “made better” by this experience. I have learned how to put down boundaries. I know now where to create my line in the sand with clients and partners. I now know where to create simple process vs. creating over complicated strategies. Now I know to cut through the crap as it were, simplify processes and strategy to get to the heart of the matter with defining what is important with content, marketing and company objectives. I do not waste time with excuses. No longer to allow others to simply give me the excuse that they cannot find a pen and a piece of paper to accomplish their task. I ensure they know where both are located. I streamline communications and ensure that all parties are on the same page from the start of all projects. I found my voice. I do not allow for others to tell me to sit at the back of the table and be quiet. I sit up front now and speak with my own wisdom. I do not allow anyone to manipulate me for the own agenda. And lastly, I know what it means to be a leader, I’ve always known and I follow my purpose without allowing someone to silence me because their own insecurity and petty ego has been their own issues for too long.
As leaders, we must strive to ensure to make others better by encouraging others to find their own voice, not holding them back because we fear their capability or wisdom. To make others better means we are holding ourselves to our word, our truth and being honorable in all that we do. Sometimes, we can make others better in spite of what we are doing, even if we are not the best ourselves, we influence others as was the case for me with this person. He didn’t realize just what he unleashed with his negative energy. To be a better leader, we must be a leader who believes we are making others better in a positive way.
I am forever grateful I cleaned out my office today. And grateful to “Bakes” for the lessons he gave me…
I can so relate to this post more then you know!
Perhaps someday I will be able to find the words to adequately share some experiences in such a way that it graces eyes/ears of the readers. Until then, still exploring the lessons learned from it all.
You shared some great areas of learning. Boundaries is a big one. I especially love what you said here:
‘As leaders, we must strive to ensure to make others better by encouraging others to find their own voice, not holding them back because we fear their capability or wisdom.’
In my experience, this is absolutely critical as leaders. In fact, I place it high up on the list of ‘hallmarks’ of an authentic leader. One of the most IMPORTANT lessons I’ve learned in my life history has to do with learning how to not give my authority away to those IN authority. (still ongoing lessons) If that makes sense. This can be a delicate and rather fine line to balance in areas where we know we need to rely on someone with more experience to teach us something or to mentor us in some way. However, we can still be in learning mode without being expected to give up our own authority.
In fact, it’s one of the things I look for in leaders. It is also something I strive to be consciously aware of in my own life.
Thanks for sharing your experience and some lessons learned, Jen.
Thanks, Samantha. Boundaries are very big. I have found that ensuring we know where we stand and how we define our space to be truly one of the best lessons in life and business. We have to be sure to know where we are spending our time and how to define that space to give us the optimum ability to work with excellence in everything we pursue.
Understood on your point of giving away our authority to those IN authority. We cannot fear another because of our own limiting thoughts or beliefs, rather, we have to trust and have confidence in ourselves to be able to guide another to find their own inner leader and lead others to be their best on their own path. It’s okay to rely on another person, it’s okay to trust but if you have had trust broken, some find it difficult to trust again. We need to know that everyone is different, the situations are never the same and approach each new experience with new eyes and believe we have learned the lessons from prior experience to carry us forward.
I hope you will be able to share your experience. It has taken me a long time to work through this process. And it’s on going. I find myself moving forward and coming back to this experience as a reference point many times. It is gift to have this experience, not something I ever thought I would say, but I can now.
Jen, there is so much I could share!
I won’t get into all the gory details of those experiences right now. However, I have to share one detail about the boundaries.
In ONE of my experiences, I was a student in a spiritual life coaching school. The lessons I learned from my negative experience cost me $8000. That I could not get back when I had to walk away due to my coach who also happened to be the founder of the organization violated my boundaries in a major way 8 months into the program. It had never happened with him before prior to this. The very interesting thing was I had JUST finished delivering a presentation online to the other course members during a tele-conference. Topic? Boundaries! I had completed an intensive personal study on boundaries based on my own case history as an assignment. It was so detailed and well-received by my coach, I was asked to give the presentation.
Then he turned around and during one of our one on one coaching calls, became verbally and emotionally abusive when I could not answer a nonsensical question about the ego mind. This man knew everything about my ‘case’. My history. My childhood. All of it. So what he did was not an accident.
Phone calls are supposed to be recorded. When I tried to use our standard ‘responsibility communication’ to address the issue via email after the event. He pretended it didn’t even happen. I was mortified. Shocked. Didn’t know what to do because I payed the tuition UPFRONT.
Long story short, I ended up having to walk away because I could not in good conscience continue. Losing all that money was a very bitter pill to swallow.
However, there ARE some positives from this experience. I know a whole lot more about the world of coaching as a result! I also know that I do not wish to
learn methods that basically involve me parroting the methods or dogma of ‘leaders’ who may know how to run a business, but really haven’t dealt with their own egos enough to effectively be able to ‘coach’ anyone else in a healthy way.
Among other things!
So there’s a small sample of a lesson that cost me $8000. I impart to you and other readers. For FREE!
Maybe just that little bit of sharing will at the very least provide people with some things to think about that might help them make some good decisions in what to look for before they give up a ton of money.
I learned a while back that for you to improve your skills, you have to work with – or compete against – someone who’s better than you. You also have to make mistakes, make quick notes, and fix what’s broken.
It’s human nature to error. The thing about it is, what are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna stay stuck on your mistakes? Or will you rise to the occasion and show what you’re really made of?
I’m very grateful for the opportunities you guys have given me to improve my leadership skills, and to fix my mistakes. And I’m willing to help those who want as well.
Great post, Jen. Best of wishes!
- Juan O.
What an experience, Samantha. Thank you for sharing and yes, I believe when we share these personal stories we do help others. There are so many people who experience similar experiences like this and reach out to find solace that they are not alone. It happens to the best of us. We all have experiences like this that teach us a lesson. I, too, lost a great deal of money in this partnership but the money was only aspect. The partner was a trusted person, a person that my son thought was a “hero” and tragically, the repercussions of this 7 years of having this toxic individual in my life changed many aspects of my leadership. I discovered that over time, this person was not only lying to me, but to others who had lost a child of their own and to other business partners. It was quite a lesson and one that taught me, no matter how much due diligence you do, you may not know someone. I do now wish him well, which I know many people may find hard to say about those have stabbed them in the back. I do not seek revenge on this person, quite the opposite. My empathy lies with the many business partners and contractors that he over time manipulated out of work, money. Those trusted friends whom he betrayed and the friends he also let down. To those individuals, I feel such compassion as I was not the only one to suffer from his lack of integrity. To those individuals, I feel the most pain and sorrow. In his lack of leadership and ability to see outside himself, those people suffered as well. He threw many folks under the bus in his inability to see what he was doing in “making others better” motto. In the end, I do hope he finds peace and reflects on his path. Even with passion, perseverance, you have to be true to your faith and trust that when you give your trust to another they have the ability care for your faith in them as much as you do. I hope that time will heal him as it has healed me.
I reflect on the lessons so that others may learn and be healed in the experience, I hope. I feel now that was the real reason he was brought on my path. As I said, I could not figure out why he came into my life and now after many months, years, I have discovered his purpose – to make me better to be a leader who leads others to be their best. He was a gift, only he didn’t know that it would be because of his negative purposes and lack of integrity.
I appreciate you sharing your story, Samantha. I am very grateful to you for sharing and anytime, please come into the thread and share. I would love to continue to chat with you on any subject you wish.
Rise up to the occasion. Juan, you have been doing what it is necessary to adjust your game plan and finding your path, I like that about your style. Keeping an attitude of gratitude and being mindful that your competition is within is essential as well. We always will face another who has better skills or a different way of solving problems, but we are who we are and our skills, our leadership are just as important. We have our own path and purpose to follow, those who we attract will be our clients and keep in mind that we are here to serve others whom find us to be of value to them. You cannot be stuck in failure or past mistakes, rather, use it as fuel to fire your passion within.
I wish you all the best, Juan. Keep it up.
Trust was definitely the more critical aspect of what went wrong. The money was secondary. However, it still hit me where it hurt financially as I was trying to launch into a new direction after my husband passed away. As a widow with two kids at home when this happened, those funds were used for the sole purpose of training for a new career. And wasn’t able to recoup the financial loss as a result from the leaders behavior. Not mine. And THAT is the big issue with leadership all over the country.
I get tired of hearing people minimize and invalidate the experiences of children who are abused by authority and leadership figures. And I’m tired of it happening to adults as well. A leader who can’t accept responsibility for their own actions, lies about it, and robs people of their money all at the same time. Is NOT a leader. But a thief. And I’m not going to apologize anymore for having ‘negative’ feelings about the situation because what happened HURT on multiple levels. And in many ways.
Do you want to know why so many ‘leaders’ talk about moving on and don’t dwell on things? Because if they were to actually LISTEN to how their leadership impacts the majority of people, they would have to DO something about it.
As long as people don’t have to hear the cries of hurting and abused children in this country, the more the abuse continues. As long as leaders don’t want to hear the cries of their partners and employees and ‘we the people’, the more they get away with things.
Ok…I”m on the verge of a major vent so I’m going to end on that note!
Trust is usually at the heart of these matters. I feel the same with this former experience, partnership as well – trust is earned not given or requested. Financially, yes, it is difficult to look back at the lost of time and money. I feel for your situation, that is very tragic.
With regard to overall leadership, I feel many leaders, negative type leaders, do seem to abdicate their accountability and integrity of their deeds and words. There was a time when leaders were to be counted on for being more apt to live by their example and I do feel there are many who do this and always there are bad apples that spoil the lot of many good leaders. With regard, children, it is paramount that parents, advocates be on their best guard to ensure they are trust individuals who live up to standards of high regard with respect to being honorable and trusting with their kids. Many leaders, coaches, teachers and anyone who is in a position to be with children should be vetted before they can be given access.
I feel many who avoid the subject of past issues do have a problem within dealing with their own transgressions, it is time and space that we have to allow for them to heal and hopefully, they will come back to find their own path to peace and maybe closure, forgiveness for those whom they have had ill will. We, however, have to forgive ourselves and move forward. We have to give ourselves the ability to take the lesson and move on. It is a very tough lesson and one that, as I said, is a process that is ongoing.
Great story and example Jen. Love the words about encouraging people to find their own voice. That’s what leadership is all about.
Passionate post Jen-loved it!
Empowering others-I ‘m so with you on that one, when we feel expansive, alive and powerful we more naturally radiate that quality to others. I think once we learn to liberate ourselves we’re in the driving seat to liberate talent everywhere and that definitely only comes when we find our purpose and our authentic voice to realise our life’s work. Glad to be on the journey with you.
Thank you so much, Kath. I’m so grateful to be on this path with you as well. You give me such great encouragement and strength. Yes, when we take control of our own bus so to speak, we are able to help others find their path as well. It is a gift to be able to spread the leadership and lessons to others to empower them as well. Thank you again!
Thank you, Scott. Yes, find your voice and lead others to speak up and stand up on their own. Leadership is about empowering others to be their best. I’m honored that you commented on this post, thank you.
Thanks for opening up and sharing parts of your own story too. Although we both know the past cannot be changed, some things just don’t instantly heal over night. No matter how much we hope or wish that were the case. It can take longer when the broken trust/betrayal is large and deep.
As I reflected on some of these things since yesterday, it seems that leadership issues have hurt the most when they are people I’ve either loved and respected, and/or simply trusted and developed a sort of camaraderie with. This latter being reflected in the dynamics between my coach and myself at the school.
And it feels far different then when I’m simply upset or outraged at distant leaders…say in politics, etc. There’s no personal relationship there from that leadership office to ‘we the people’.
Perhaps the most difficult part of overcoming betrayals and trust with leadership in my life has to do with the fact that in most cases, they were people I either genuinely loved and/or cared about in some way. When leaders, whether it’s a parent, teacher, boss, lover, etc…lack integrity and become abusive, the love and care is still there. That’s what complicates these issues. Not only for me. But anyone who has ever had to deal with those tendencies in another human being.
Part of the pain isn’t only because of the hurt and/or anger of being lied to, betrayed, abused in some way, but even more importantly, it’s the loss of connection that those behaviors create in the relationship. As humans we are meant to connect. And not be disconnected. (although the nature of the relationship determines the level and depth of that connection from marriage, to siblings, teacher/student, boss/employee dynamics, etc) Part of the pain is wanting to restore the connection and being unable to do so because the heart of the other is hard and closed. They are generally in heavy denial. Cannot bear to face their OWN pain let alone want to feel the pain of another. Especially the pain of the people they keep hurting.
Yet the pain and damage accumulates. Relationships become broken and lost. When what people wanted all along was restoration. Love. Forgiveness.
None of those things can happen without genuine repentance. (change of heart and mind that goes beyond mere lip service and verbal ‘I’m sorry’)
Anyway…just some additional thoughts that came up since yesterday.
Thank you, Samantha I agree on the loss of connection – that is one that I believe is very much at the heart of issue. You make some great points. The past cannot be changed and we can move forward in time. It does take time for us to heal in these maters – all parties. Beyond, I’m sorry, true forgiveness is in action and words.